Well, it’s too late to save me – I’m a full-blown yoga junkie. I admit it; Hi, my name is Emily, and I’m a yogaholic. It’s changed my entire life, it’s affected the people closest to me, and at this point, I just can’t imagine my life without it.
But that’s my cross to bear. That said, I feel like it’s only fair for me to try and save others from picking up this addictive habit. So, for those of you who have yet to dabble in the realm of yoga, here are six reasons why not to do yoga.
1. No pain, no gain. Everyone knows you need to feel the burn in order to see any results. Duh. How much of a workout can you really be getting from something that feels this good? My body feels great after moving through a yoga class, so obviously I’m not working hard enough. No wonder I’m such a little wimp…
2. Ugh, peasants…I mean, it’s something literally everyone can do. Anyone, can do it anywhere. Why waste your time on something that’s just so…common? You don’t even need any expensive gear; where’s the prestige in that?
3. You’re wearing that?? Don’t get me started on the clothes. Those pants are too stretchy, that sports bra has too many straps, and altogether you just look too. damn. comfortable. Whatever happened to a good old-fashioned Speedo wedgie, or some pinchy-toe pointe shoes? And furthermore, what kinda voodoo magic is lululemon up to, making pants that make everyone’s butt look so good?!
4. I miss ya, doc. My doctor is a very nice lady, and frankly, I think it’s yoga’s fault I don’t get to see her as often as I could! Since starting yoga, I don’t have weird body aches, I just about never get sick, and even my mental-illness stuff is kept to a manageable minimum! I could be having so many nice little doctor’s office visits, but noooo, thanks to yoga I’m healthy. Huh.
5. Goddamn happy yogi people. You’ll be one of them, too. You know all that pent-up anger and anxiety and tension that gives you that straight-up cool guy edge? Say buh-bye; after one yoga class you’ll be letting go of all that negative energy and feeling oh-so-blissed-out. Yuck, seratonin.
6. And really, why even waste your time? There’s no competition, no risk-factor to spice it up, no big book of rules and regulations to make sure you’re doing everything perfectly. Seriously – it’s not even like you can someday win the grand Yogi of the Year Award. All you’re getting out of it is…enjoyment? And happiness? And peace? Why bother?!?
Yeah, you’re probably better off without getting involved in this whole yoga racket. Like I said, I’m a lost cause, but you? You probably wouldn’t like it.
PS – yeah, the whole “you wouldn’t like it” thing is a reference to that old Oatmeal Crisp commercial, where the lady tries to tell her husband not to eat her favorite cereal because “you wouldn’t like it”. I’m just lame like that, woopsie! 🙂
PPS – if you’re stubborn, and still wanna give yoga a shot, come try one of my classes! Tuesdays, 7:30, at My Happy Place yoga studio!