#sorrynotsorry, pet peeves on the yoga mat

So by now you’ve probably picked up on the fact that I’m not exactly the most serene, even-tempered, kumbaya, save-the-whales yogi. More often than I’d like to admit, the “no judgment” rule gets completely thrown out the window. The “no expectations” rule, that one slips too – if things don’t go the way I think they should, I tend to get kinda twitchy and anxious. And seriously, “no competition”? You know I have days where my ego just doesn’t have time for that. So yeah, basically I’m a big ol’ hypocrite. In my defence, I’m really really trying to loosen up and be more go-with-the-flow. (Imagine – I used to be even more of a buzzkill!) For the most part, I try to keep my yogi-sins to a minimum. Some things, though, are guaranteed to earn you a stink eye from me during yoga class*.

*Not when I’m teaching – just when I’m taking part in a class. I promise, when I’m teaching I’m way too nervous and self-conscious to be sending any bad vibes your way!! My classes are a judgment-free zone, I’m just super grateful you showed up!

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Lateness. This pet peeve extends to all parts of my life. In my mind, if I’m not ten minutes early for something, I’m late. Unfortunately, 97% of the population seems to lean more towards the belief of “if I’m not ten minutes late, I’m pretty much early.” For most things, you can get away with that grace period, but strolling into a yoga class late is just rude. Especially if the class is already started. The rest of us are here taking deep, calming breaths, or maybe even mid-flow by now, and you creak open the door and roll out your mat with a slap. RUDE. Besides being an interruption and distraction to everyone around you, you’re also jipping yourself five minutes of precious yoga time. Karma.

Personal space, people!! While I’m on the subject of unrolling your mat, want to scootch over a few inches? I get it – some classes are gonna be crowded, and that’s all you can do. I’m talking about when there’s lots of space for everyone, but Lil Miss to the left plants her mat uncomfortably close to yours, and before you have a chance to subtly shift away a bit, someone’s crowding you in on the right. Trapped!! And now you’re left with the options of picking up and moving across the room, which somehow feels rude, or spending the entire class brushing fingers and whispering “oops, sorry” to your too-close-for-comfort neighbour. It’s a big room, people, spread out!!

Noises. Bodily noises. Unpleasant bodily noises. No, I’m not talking about farts. As immature as it is, I can’t help but giggle a little (hopefully internally) at a mid-class toot. Girl, I am not judging – it happens. The yucky noises I’m talking about are the grunts and groans and coughs and sniffs. You do know you’re not getting a better workout by making all those high-impact grunts, right? You just sound like one of those loud weird tennis players. And if you’re spending the class hacking up a lung or constantly sniff-sniffing? GIRL – you are sick, STAY HOME. I don’t want to be in downward dog having thoughts like “ew, I hope she didn’t just drip on her mat…”

Fitbits. Calm down, I’m not hatin’. The vast majority of Fitbit wearers are innocent on this one. Although personally, I hate the idea of such unnecessary calorie-tracking etc, it’s your business if that’s info you want to know. Just don’t make it my business. Whatever that flashy, rainbowy light on its screen means, its distracting when you’re waving your arm around next to me. Since I’ve only seen it happen on a few wrists, there must be an option to switch it off before yoga class. Please do; I didn’t come for the light show, thanks.

Skipping out on savasana. a) It’s rude to the teacher to walk out in the middle of class (yeah, savasana still counts as part of class), b) It’s distracting if you start packing up your stuff while everyone else tries to get their zen on, and c) Why are you not giving yourself this beautiful gift of relaxation???

So yeah, I’m pretty much an old crotchety yoga lady. #Sorrynotsorry, everybody’s got their own pet peeves, right? Anyone wanna share, so I feel less awful? For all I know, I could be irritating the crap out of people around me in class, too!

Whateva, no ones perfect.
Mai pen rai, namaste.

 

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